allo

go grease lightning!

whatever the fuck you want. literally.

 

Including, but not limited to:

• Dumping your girlfriend for your best friend's girlfriend
• Hurting multiple people in the process of carrying out the above, including (but, again, not limited to): your FUCKING BEST FRIEND and (of course) the first girlfriend.
• Being a complete bastard
• Lying to your first girlfriend
• Being what might possibly be considered the biggest hypocrite the first girlfriend has ever met
• Causing the first girlfriend to lose all respect for you
• Losing your best friend and causing him large amounts of undeserved pain even though he is a wonderful person

pulling an Alex

*we would have made






.

ruminations on the world

No. I mean, it was for a while (okay, so a year), but it most definitely isn't amazing anymore. Because they took the world and they left - they took MY world - and they went to someone else and became their world, but they didn't give me mine back, so now I'm just left drifting around in what tiny little pieces they left me, pretending that my world isn't full of huge, gaping holes where they used to be.


((
Mood: sinking back into depression
Soundtrack: gunfire and death from COD
))

re: hate

I can't do it! I can't hate him. I've been trying, and yeah, I'm angry and hurt and sad and sometimes, someone will do something to try to make me feel better and it just shoves the knife a little deeper. Like Joseph, who asked me today if I wanted him to hit Ben. Part of me screamed "yes, punch him in the face!" and part of me jumped to his defence, saying "no, of course not, it's not his fault!" but most of me just sort of whimpered "do whatever you want, but please leave quickly so I can sob without you seeing." And once he left, that's what I did, because I love Ben, and I can't get used to knowing that he's not going to walk through the door any minute now, because he's probably off with her somewhere, and life just keeps going, with Facebook updates and tumblr posts that don't have anything to do with me.

Nate and Sydney came over yesterday and we ate ice cream and talked and played Call of Duty. Nate didn't seem like he was okay, but we both held it together all night, which was more than I expected of myself - I barely got through telling my family why he broke up with me. They keep asking me if I'm okay, and I don't know what to say, so I say "I'm fine." Mom told me, "you know, it's okay if you're not fine." I know it's okay, but there's too many emotions to sort through, so I just go for the short answer. I could say, "well, sometimes it feels like he's going to show up and everything will be fine, and sometimes I want to walk over to his house and scream "FUCK YOU" in his face at the top of my lungs, and sometimes I want to curl up in my bed and never ever see him again, and sometimes I think about what they might be doing together, and how he's fitting himself into her life just like he fit into mine, and sometimes I wonder what could I have done? because I kinda knew it was coming, and what if I had said something that day in the park instead of telling him we might move to Philadelphia? Sometimes I even wonder what would've happened if I'd had sex with him. But now I will never, ever know." But then they'd probably lock me up in a mental hospital because I'm obviously completely insane.

re: love

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
- Neil Gaiman

I would've put this on tumblr, but I do not want Katie to see how fucking much it hurts that she has Ben and I have nothing. I don't care if Ben sees it. He deserves to know just how much of bastard he is.

((
Mood: fuck you
Soundtrack: really bad music
))

Ben broke up with me.

The only thing I wanted to ask him, after he had explained everything (which I had actually seen coming, sorta, sadly), was this:

Did you wait until I loved you on purpose? So that it would hurt even more?

I know the answer is no, though. I wish it was yes, so that I could hate him, because that would make everything so much easier. And I wish (I wish, I wish, I wish) I could hate her, too. But I don't hate either of them. Instead, I find myself worrying about him, hoping he's not hurting as much as I am, even though I want to want him to be in twice as much pain.

Dammit. I was hoping so much when this started that somehow, some way it wouldn't end like this. I hoped for the 'it was a mutual thing,' but instead I got the 'I hope we can still be friends.'